Texas Rangers Introduce New GM In Surreal Press Conference
Apr 12, 2016 1:38:42 GMT -5
Tim_GiantsGM, Commish_Ron, and 5 more like this
Post by Texas Rangers on Apr 12, 2016 1:38:42 GMT -5
With longtime GM Greg Sheehan resigning, Texas Rangers ownership has moved to put a new front office in place. The baseball world was surprised and the Rangers' faithful overwhelmingly disappointed to hear that Danny Sheehan, Greg's older brother, was hired as Team President. This is a similar role to the one he filled in Toronto for many years, with much criticism.
Criticism of the elder Sheehan's tenure in the Great Blue North generally has centered on two things. The first is that the team never had a playoff season in which ace Sloan Emerick was not in his prime, and save for a few seasons at the tail end of Hall of Famer Martin Perez' career, they never had another difference making starting pitcher. Second, and the most vocal critique, centers on former General Manager Danny Husk.
Sheehan was never formally announced as Team President until he had resigned, only appearing in public in a working capacity a handful of times. His job title was mentioned but once in a press release, as Director of Personnel, even though it was later revealed that he was responsible for the vast majority of the operation. Danny Husk was hired as General Manager after a middling career as a corporate yes man at a Toronto advertising firm, to the incredible dismay of everyone involved in the sport. Husk was roundly and justly criticized during his tenure as GM, and was seen as the most incompetent person working in a baseball front office during his time with Toronto. He repeatedly forgot or failed to learn players' names, seemed to have no knowledge at all of any baseball statistics other than Wins and RBI, and was a ridiculously poor public speaker. He was also, very strangely, accused of having been created by the sketch comedy show The Kids In The Hall, and his status as a real human being was called into question by former Blue Jays' beat writer Bernard Baptiste St. Pierre-LaCroix, a once prolific writer who slipped into a maddening spell of alcoholism and airplane glue abuse. St. Pierre-LaCroix blamed his downward spiral on his wife leaving him due to his obsession with proving that there was a shadow regime in Toronto and that Danny Husk was not a real person. Husk also rarely appeared in public, and when he did was clearly wearing heavy makeup, which St. Pierre-LaCroix and fellow conspiracy theorists felt indicated that he was being played by an actor. This and the fact that his appearance drastically changed on more than one occasion (during the 2034 season he very strongly appeared to be of Polynesian descent before his appearance went back to that of a Canadian Caucasian man for 2035) led people to strange conclusions about what exactly was going on in the front office.
By the later years of the Sheehan era in Toronto, outright sloppiness defined the team. Injured players were not put on the disabled list, and players who were publicly saying that they were healthy were left to "rehabilitate" injuries they claimed no longer existed. St. Pierre-LaCroix, now left to write a blog after being fired by the Toronto Star, said this was because Sheehan was no longer actively involved in day to day activities and that "these are the consequences of having an actor play a role as GM, and then being forced to have that actor actually run your baseball team." To say it ended strangely in Toronto would be an understatement.
All in all, fans in Texas are understandably concerned with the hiring of their new Team President. His younger brother left under a cloud of accusations of inactivity, though without any of the bizarre accusations of shadow regimes and actors playing characters. Here then, is the transcript of the conference call Sheehan had with the Texas Rangers' media members, and it ends in a way that is----well, let's just say that it looks like we may be in for some bizarre times in Arlington as well:
Sheehan: Hello folks, very pleased to be here! I hear everything is bigger down here hahahaha! [silence from media]. Right, well it sure is nice weather down here, way better than Toronto, man it can get pretty cold down there hahaha! I just hope I don't get bit by a rattlesnake or attacked by an armadillo right hahaha! [silence from media, scattered coughs].Ok, so, tough crowd I guess. Anyway, I know there has been some skepticism of my hiring, but I can assure you I'm the best man for the job. And charges of nepotism because I'm following my brother are unfounded, rumors that there were no other interviews conducted are simply untrue. But enough about me, I think my track record speaks for itself. [audible laughter, sighs and moans]
I'm here to introduce the next General Manager of the Texas Rangers, the one who will take the team to its rightful place atop the baseball mountain. We considered a lot of candidates, but we wanted to make sure to keep it in house. The hire was going to have to be a true Texas Ranger. To that end, we considered:
PUDGE RODRIGUEZ
SAMMY SOSA
JOSE CANSECO
NOLAN RYAN
GEORGE W. BUSH
STEPHEN F. AUSTIN
CORDELL WALKER
THE LONE RANGER
SHEEHAN: Qualified as all of those candidates are, the front office had a clear cut favorite, and we are very proud to bring to you the man that we believe is going to lead the Texas Rangers to what their wonderful fan base deserves, a World Series title. May I introduce to you our new General Manager...
SHEEHAN: Jeff Boomhauer everyone! I'll turn it over to him and let him take it from here.
BOOMHAUER: Hey man thanks, Mr. Sheehan, dang ol', appreciate it. Tell ya what man, any questions?
[stunned silence from media]
Yeah, so it appears the Rangers have hired an actual cartoon character as their general manager. This could get weird.
Criticism of the elder Sheehan's tenure in the Great Blue North generally has centered on two things. The first is that the team never had a playoff season in which ace Sloan Emerick was not in his prime, and save for a few seasons at the tail end of Hall of Famer Martin Perez' career, they never had another difference making starting pitcher. Second, and the most vocal critique, centers on former General Manager Danny Husk.
Sheehan was never formally announced as Team President until he had resigned, only appearing in public in a working capacity a handful of times. His job title was mentioned but once in a press release, as Director of Personnel, even though it was later revealed that he was responsible for the vast majority of the operation. Danny Husk was hired as General Manager after a middling career as a corporate yes man at a Toronto advertising firm, to the incredible dismay of everyone involved in the sport. Husk was roundly and justly criticized during his tenure as GM, and was seen as the most incompetent person working in a baseball front office during his time with Toronto. He repeatedly forgot or failed to learn players' names, seemed to have no knowledge at all of any baseball statistics other than Wins and RBI, and was a ridiculously poor public speaker. He was also, very strangely, accused of having been created by the sketch comedy show The Kids In The Hall, and his status as a real human being was called into question by former Blue Jays' beat writer Bernard Baptiste St. Pierre-LaCroix, a once prolific writer who slipped into a maddening spell of alcoholism and airplane glue abuse. St. Pierre-LaCroix blamed his downward spiral on his wife leaving him due to his obsession with proving that there was a shadow regime in Toronto and that Danny Husk was not a real person. Husk also rarely appeared in public, and when he did was clearly wearing heavy makeup, which St. Pierre-LaCroix and fellow conspiracy theorists felt indicated that he was being played by an actor. This and the fact that his appearance drastically changed on more than one occasion (during the 2034 season he very strongly appeared to be of Polynesian descent before his appearance went back to that of a Canadian Caucasian man for 2035) led people to strange conclusions about what exactly was going on in the front office.
By the later years of the Sheehan era in Toronto, outright sloppiness defined the team. Injured players were not put on the disabled list, and players who were publicly saying that they were healthy were left to "rehabilitate" injuries they claimed no longer existed. St. Pierre-LaCroix, now left to write a blog after being fired by the Toronto Star, said this was because Sheehan was no longer actively involved in day to day activities and that "these are the consequences of having an actor play a role as GM, and then being forced to have that actor actually run your baseball team." To say it ended strangely in Toronto would be an understatement.
All in all, fans in Texas are understandably concerned with the hiring of their new Team President. His younger brother left under a cloud of accusations of inactivity, though without any of the bizarre accusations of shadow regimes and actors playing characters. Here then, is the transcript of the conference call Sheehan had with the Texas Rangers' media members, and it ends in a way that is----well, let's just say that it looks like we may be in for some bizarre times in Arlington as well:
Sheehan: Hello folks, very pleased to be here! I hear everything is bigger down here hahahaha! [silence from media]. Right, well it sure is nice weather down here, way better than Toronto, man it can get pretty cold down there hahaha! I just hope I don't get bit by a rattlesnake or attacked by an armadillo right hahaha! [silence from media, scattered coughs].Ok, so, tough crowd I guess. Anyway, I know there has been some skepticism of my hiring, but I can assure you I'm the best man for the job. And charges of nepotism because I'm following my brother are unfounded, rumors that there were no other interviews conducted are simply untrue. But enough about me, I think my track record speaks for itself. [audible laughter, sighs and moans]
I'm here to introduce the next General Manager of the Texas Rangers, the one who will take the team to its rightful place atop the baseball mountain. We considered a lot of candidates, but we wanted to make sure to keep it in house. The hire was going to have to be a true Texas Ranger. To that end, we considered:
PUDGE RODRIGUEZ
SAMMY SOSA
JOSE CANSECO
NOLAN RYAN
GEORGE W. BUSH
STEPHEN F. AUSTIN
CORDELL WALKER
THE LONE RANGER
SHEEHAN: Qualified as all of those candidates are, the front office had a clear cut favorite, and we are very proud to bring to you the man that we believe is going to lead the Texas Rangers to what their wonderful fan base deserves, a World Series title. May I introduce to you our new General Manager...
SHEEHAN: Jeff Boomhauer everyone! I'll turn it over to him and let him take it from here.
BOOMHAUER: Hey man thanks, Mr. Sheehan, dang ol', appreciate it. Tell ya what man, any questions?
[stunned silence from media]
Yeah, so it appears the Rangers have hired an actual cartoon character as their general manager. This could get weird.